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*Your Textured Voice Could Lick My Ear*

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Monday, April 26th, 2004
9:35 am - IGNORE!!!!!!
• Use the mouse to move the cursor to ‘Start’ and left click
• Use the mouse to move the cursor up to ‘Programs’ and left click
• Use the mouse to move the cursor to ‘Microsoft Access’ and left click.
• The Microsoft Access program will show and use the mouse to move the cursor to ‘Blank Database’ on the far right hand side and left click.
• A window will appear which is called ‘File New Database’.
• On the top where it says ‘My Documents’, use the mouse to move the cursor to the little arrow pointing down and left click.
• Use the mouse to move the cursor to ‘3 ½ Floppy (A:)’ and left click.
• Then use the mouse to move the cursor to ‘Create’ and left click
• Once the window opens, use the mouse to move the cursor to “Create Table in Design View’ and left click twice
• A window will appear which is called ‘Table1 : Table’
• Now one has to fill out the table
• Under field name, Use the mouse to move the cursor to the first box and left click to be able to type.
• This is the order you fill in under Field Name:
-Name
-Last Name
-Fist Name
-Address
-Street
-City
-State
-Zip
-Telephone number
-Area Code
-Prefix Number
-Suffix Number

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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
4:51 pm
FFFFUCCKKK
i have the worst cramps!!

and i have no pads!!!

and I'm using a sock!!!

ew.

gods this is so bad. no ones home. im so alone.
boo hoo.

i hate "Sally" THAT BITCH.

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanna

cccrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

this is so grossssssssssssssssssss

man why does it hhhhhuuuuuuurrrrrrrrttttttttttttttt

this shows you...
THERE IS NO GOD.

he would have sent me some pads by now.. muahahahahahahahaahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

current mood: CRAMPS

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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
1:38 pm
WOW.. hello. Im finally updating this secret journal.
cuz.. i need to complain about someone.

so Judy and I are apparently not talking. I'm not quite sure why SHE stopped talking to me..but I really dont care. and it sad that i'm not sad about us not being friends anoymore. She stopped hanging out with us. I guess she thought She was the one i was annoyed with from the 'group'. Well, there were a lot of things that bugged me about her, but thats everyone i meet. No ones perfect. Im sure all of my friends hate a lot of things about me..and i dont get all sad a serious about it. I dont give a fuck. and Rocio is the only one that really knows everything i didnt like about her. I just dont have much patience with how people act so childish sometimes. Its so annoying. Its better this way.
After I pass the profiency test..im sooo gone. I dont even think Ill finish the semester. or maybe ill just come to the classes that i like. (art, T.A. and ..thats it)
so anyway..im at home on a school day. I got really sick when i came home yesterday. then i tried taking a nap but my nose was all stuffy and i was all achey. It sucked. I think I did sleep for like 10 minutes then Id wake up and sleep another 10 so on and so on..same thing happened this morning. I tried sleeping in.but couldnt. then i got scared cuz it was like 9 am and i heard somene in our bathroom..i was so confused. then my dad comes into the room and i was relieved. I wonder why he was home so late..hes usually gone by 7. i dunno..
ok thats all. im trying to finish my hw now so i wont have to worry about it at night.
adios
(ryan.. i finally wrote in here..just for you :) haha

current mood: sick

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Sunday, February 1st, 2004
11:02 am
Another night to rememember...
about friday night )

current mood: accomplished

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
10:56 am - Babble
i havent been updating.. i've been pretty busy. so this week was finals..not so bad.. i just found out im still failing english..im pissed cuz i thought doing the essay would help.. the teacher said it would ..but it didnt.. its just so sad.. failing english?? oh geez. im such a failure. im also failing history and bio (for the 2nd time) im gettin worried. i have to make up like 5 classes so far. i was thinking about just taking that exam to get out of high school..but i dont wanna ask my counselor about it.. i know shes gonna put me down and make me feel really bad like she always does.say things like "what makes you think you can do the exam when you cant even pass your classes" shes so intimidating. i hate it. i hate her. i hate it here, at school (yes, im in my computer class at the moment)and im so sick of my friends. well not really.. but sometimes i just wanna get away. i wish Flor still went here. things wouldve been different for us both. but its a good think she escaped from here. she loves it at LA high and im jelouse. shes doing so much better. here, she was failing like 3 classes and now she only has one D. and there.. its so much easier to make a class up cuz of intersession. I have to wait till summer to make only 3 classes up. I almost started crying right now at brunch. just seeing these people make me sad and frustrated. i really dont wanna stay anymore but i dont have much of a choice. no one understands..jenny doesnt at all. I wanna talk to Ceci but ..i dunno.. im scared she'll tell jenny. I need Flor again, she's truly my only understanding friend i have..and we havent talked in months.. it makes me sad. Reminds me of Adee and Gaby. I miss them too. I wonder how they are. I was thinking about all the old times..and how we prank called McDonalds once.. haha *sigh* i wish i was a little kid again. gods.. im just ....dying.

Anyway, the peak is having a party tomorrow. im so excited. its the only time where i can get my mind off this shit..and float around with a REAL smile on my face..where I feel welcome..where I actually feel good around humans. Well hopefully my dad will let me stay home tomorrow. I've got tons of things to do. I need to get started on my skirt today..this guy is being nice enoug to stencil peak show pics for me..so i can stencil them onto my skirt. im excited. and that will take a while. Tomorrow i have to finish my shirt and bake cookies and make 4 bracelets! now thats a lot. bracelets arent hard to do..but it takes a long time to get those little tiny beads in.. ugh.. i dont like making them but i need something for Alex, Magean, Derock and Gabe. I only give Holland stuff.. HOLLAND! omg i just remembered .. i dont have anything for her. ahh!! i never eve thought about it. well i'll see what i can make.
Theres also another party on Valentines Day. yay! I wanna call jason up after all these years and invite him. I doubt ill get the courage to do it tho. Im so lame.

current mood: blah

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Monday, January 19th, 2004
10:07 pm
oh sigh.. the peak is probably performing right this second..as i type ..and I'm not there..Why you ask..because I'm not 21. anyway.. ive got lots to say...
so yesterday, Me, jenny, jasmine, nga, and carla all go to burbank(yuk) to see Along Came Polly but it was sold out.. good thing cuz i didnt wanna see it. so we ended up leaving and going to some bowling alley in Glendale to see if any pool tables were available but none were..so we went to Islands and ate. Then we go back to the Bowling Alley... and we get a pool table. after like 40 minutes I wander off lookin around .. and there he was..some boy that reminded me so much of Jonny and some really handsome beautiful model boy and all these weird horrible but good feelings started coming back to me..and suddenly i wanted to puke..so i ran to the bathroom and did! what?!?!?! i haven't puked in like.. 7 years. and then i started crying..so i was gone for a while and carla comes in looking for me.. so i get out.. i couldnt even get myself to look at him again. well when i started playing pool again i kept missing the ball and i couldnt hit it right..it was so weird..so i just stopped playing all together..then i see him working in the snack bar.. and i just sit on the floor where i cant see him and think and just feel really sad and ..aahhh.. i dunno.. justt really funny...and jenny kept asking me if i was ok..but i didnt wana tell anyone..
so a few minutes later.. i smell Jonny's old prefume (yes, sadly i still remember how he smells) and i looked up and its that boy again.. and he just goes and plays on some video game machine.. and i stare for like 5 minutes and he turns and looks at me as if he knew i was looking and i just looked away and started crying a little but good thing no one noticed.. well i have no idea why i started crying.. then when i was done with that.. i got up and just tried to calm down and just watch the girls play.. oh yeah.. and i was shaking the whole time but i guess it wasnt noticeable cuz no one said anything.. well he kept looking back like he was waiting for someone or something.. i doubt he was looking at me but i dunno.. i could nt look at him. aahh.. i was just going crazy inside.. and i just kept staring at him and he just kept looking back..then i left to the bathroom again cuz i couldnt hold my tears back .. i have no idea why the fuck i was crying..it was frustrating.. i just was... i dunno... oh my greek gods.. i think ive found my Angel Juan (i dont expect anyone to get that) so yeah... i dunno whats wrong with me..and today.. i was so bummed out..and i was actually cleaning out this big junk drawer i have and i found all those pics of jonny that everyone stole for me and then.. i just stared at them for a while and threw them all over the place in rage and slammed myself into my bed and cried .. not just because of him .. just because of .. everything. so yeah... im still kinda.. shaky and sad. at least Holland and the others are throwing a party on the 30th... im excited..and im gonna find myself new friends... im sick of everyone... i just need a camel..

oh crap.. i just noticed im posting this under emokatbat instead of my new journal.. oh well.. ill leave it here

current mood: confused

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
10:12 pm
geez..im sad. i dunno.............
i just get depressed sometimes.. its not good. i try to tell myself not to.. but ah! i cant help it.
wow i havent gone this long not seeing the peak show, Im so used to seeing them EVERY week...they had a show last night somewhere near san diego...and they are having a 21 and over show this monday.....geez... im just realizing how sane they kept me. Its not fair that im not 21 lol i should be.. and get away from these laces people...aahh... i just really cant take it.. anyway.. i need to get this off my chest..
OK about "Sally"...
i dunno.. i'm really annoyed with her.. i feel like she thinks shes better than me.. but you know.. like she rubs it in my face. i dont wanna sound all stupid and hispanic when i say this but.. its just the fact that shes white and has a nice house..and she gets good grades and all that shit.. and im like the total opposite.. and how she talks to me with all this big words..it makes me feel stupid.. but i feel like she does it on prupose.. i was telling Rocio all about it and she said i should tell her what i feel.. but i dunno.. i dont want to ..cuz knowing her, shes gonna wanna have a "serious talk" like were bf and gf.. blah i hate that.. shes too .. i dunno..gods.. ive just had it. i need new people to get through lunch with.. but theres NOBODY.. i just dont mix well with the people there.. i need Flor again. I miss her a lot. She was the only person that really understood.. not like Sally.. that agreed with EVERYTHING and said "oh i understand" No YOU DONT!! YOU REALLY DONT!! YOUVE GOT EVERYTHING!! ahh oh man.. im just so sick of.. i dont even know anymore. I'm gonna call Flor tomorrow. I dunno why we stopped calling eachother.. i guess we just needed a break for a while..

current mood: relieved

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
7:31 pm
Well i havent updated much. That means things are slow and boring. Well school is back .. tomorrow is friday..yay! and no school monday. i wanna do something fun this weekend with people. i dont feel like being anti-social this weekend.. wow! im proud of myself. School isnt bad.. its just the people that make it bad.. i seriuosly hate like 79% of my "friends" blah. who cares? i really dont think about it anymore. i dont let it get to me that much. i have lots of friends outside of school that i dont have to feel annoyed around..fake my laughs and smiles with.. and a big plus..they are older which is always better. i really can't stand people in my age group. i really feel out of place.. not to seem ..like.. conceited but.. i dunno.. i'm NOT meant to be 16 right now..i feel like a 30 year old haha no i dont.. but definitely not my age.. which is weird. oh i love this new journal of mine... no one from school, except monica (hi monica!) knows about it...so now i can complain about my friends haha!! how bad!
yeah well im sure ill be writing some confessions soon.. cuz im about to burst with complaints about ...well i dont wanna say their names ..cuz what if they find this.. Ill make some up. hm.. what should i name _____ ? OK.. Sally! lol i cant stand Sally anymore.

alright...off to do some reading ...

current mood: annoyed

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
9:59 pm
Well tomorrow school starts... BLAH!..i can't believe it..I'm gonna miss Ambush Makeover and Starting Over and People's Court and PASSIONS!!!!
I had homework ..i did some of it. Didnt finish of course.. i never finish anything..school wise.
well at least im gonna end the day with the 2 best classes i have, T.A. and General Art..and i get to finish my coolio project. I'm kinda happy.. i Dunno what to wear...

my dad is gonna take me instead of waking up extra early to take that stinky bus...but i like the busrides..well only when i have my CD player but my batteries are dead and ive gots no mo. that sucks times 100. maybe father can pick me up too! yeah!! alright.. i shall ask.

current mood: disappointed

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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
9:15 pm
so yeah... im at my mom's ...i have a headache..and im bored.
im gonna wake up at like 6 am tomorrow for the 1st time in 3 weeks. wow!! yeah shes gonna take me to work. i dont wanna go..but i should help her out. its not that bad. well my dad is gonna pick me up from Ms. Blatt's house and we're gonna go to the beach .... i gotta shave my legs.. i just brought a dress to wear.
ok well thats all for today. adios

current mood: bored

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Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
10:43 pm - EAT
Saphire Sex Acts
Repulsion and Steam
Blindfolded Children
Twilight and Scream

Red Rounded Jelly Beans
Pink Easter Eggs

Boys who are Sguinting
and tasting my Legs

Fountains of Secret
Flooding the Streets
Snared of the Insect Inclined
Tapping beats.

Like a Piper sings Promise of All that you Need
Training your Craving
to Just fucking Eat

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10:41 pm - kimono
I want all the scenes in my mind to occur
with fluid tounge
and suction's responce
I want control
I want to dance naked
when I'm not alone

I want

I want to tell you slowly, so slow
about each curve in your back and
each scar and
every vein in
your arm
that makes me want

You favorite part of your body
to be my favorite part of mine

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10:35 pm
Remember when the nights fell just for us
Rainy days turned gold from grey
the secrets we'd trade
tasted like gifts
they swore it would never end

and in a moonlight bath
we were washed clean
from all the midnight mystery
tell me about the cherry tree
again and again and again and again

your textured voice could lick my ear
addict me to its sound
oh, I could wait a hundred years
for nothing
nothing at all

liquid adolescent eyes
(not to mention a deluded mind)
fixed upon you-dark & young.
another perfect tear to fall
for nothing
nothing at all

but it was nothing for hours
and nothing for years
nothing but wishes and unchallenged fears
just awkward postures and awkwarder hugs
mistaking this nothing
for love

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10:30 pm - #3 #103
Counted my blessings before sleep
the swollen moon illuminating my pillow

feel asleep real quick; No! Belated!
a father's voice preventing
the slippage.

The cinema I recall was close to morning,
in familiar town #3


We fucked in cartwheels
your soft hands struck me
defying physics
I slithered to you


No room to sorround us
all that existed was space
we the single object
in this intangible place

Privately naked, Socially exalted

Red Yell in Ochre Autumn

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8:12 pm
TODAY:
did nothing..
im bored..
i have a headache

current mood: blah

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7:46 pm
ok so this is my second journal. i left my last one cuz no one was commenting and .. i dunno.. i just wanted to start a whole new one. yeah so i hope to get more people commenting on this one..

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